Oh,You're Grieving? Shut Up Already!

There are many changes going on these days within the Christian faith (Thank God, it's about time), major reforms taking place on nearly every topic under the sun.  However, there is one area that's rarely addressed, the much needed open dialogue on the topic of grief and what the Christian's responsibility is to the grief community. Grievers are a sector of society that never go away, they are with us perpetually and sometimes they are us, or our friends and family members.

If you've ever been in a church or even just to a funeral, you may have heard a scripture mentioned concerning grief, taken out of 1 Thessalonians in the bible;

4:13 But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus.

Now that doesn't sound bad, right? We have hope if we are Christians! Yay! However, as anyone who has experienced profound grief knows, even if you have that particular hope, there is incredible and often times, debilitating sorrow and suffering that accompanies the loss of a spouse or partner, child, parent, friend, etc. Over the years, Christians have used this scripture to support our society's discomfort with the grief process. We seem to have gotten hung up on the "lest you sorrow" part of the verse. I have personally heard Pastors use it to comfort grievers who are hysterical, as a way to get them under control. "Now now, Sister Hysterical, we don't grieve like those without hope!"

This one verse is used to negate the entire grief process in many cases. Well meaning pastors and Christian friends often advise you to not indulge in tears and sadness (as if you could just make that choice). "Rejoice in your sufferings! The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, Blessed be the Name of the Lord!" Unfortunately, many grievers try to take this advice and attempt to halt the grieving process. They endeavor to dry up the tears and move on as fast as they can. They suffer in silence, crying in their private time, feeling like less of a Christian for not being able to "get over it" in a timely manner. Not allowing grief to run it's course is emotionally damaging and can cause emotional and spiritual problems over time.

As a society, in the last century, grief has steadily become a taboo subject. With the advent of modern life saving medicine and emergency trauma practice, illness and trauma related death have become less common than ever before in history and as a result, we have devised ways to downplay death. One of the results of this discomfort with the death process is the expectation on mourners to hold it together. At visitations and funerals (or as we like to call them these days, Life Celebrations), the grieving is commended for "holding up so well." The griever is often told that their loss was "God's plan" and that "God keeps track of all their tears". These statements only instill an anger at God in many people. The language used towards grievers must change! What grievers accept as gospel truth concerning grief too must change! 

What are our responsibilities as Christians towards those in grief? The bible is clear in many areas that grief is a human affliction, one that visits every one of us sooner or later. God is very concerned with the mourning and grieving among us. This human experience is mentioned throughout the scripture. Jesus mentioned it in his Sermon on the Mount;  “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted," and it's mentioned again that we should look out for widows and comfort them in their afflictions over in the book of James. 

It seems that there is a bit of a mandate in the bible which sets a standard for 
believers to follow concerning the grieving. This is a widely neglected but deeply important area of Christian behavior. The good news is, it's never too late to change and that starts with education. Even if you read one simple article on the topic, it will make a difference. Please check out the link below for some very good articles on this very important subject.

    How to Help the Grieving 

Lord Christ, help us to be sensitive to those who are grieving amongst us. Give us your heart for those who mourn. So be it.

The Mourner's Code

The Mourner's Code

As found in Dr.Alan D. Wolfelt's book, "Healing Your Grieving Heart."

Though you should reach out to others as you journey through grief, you should
not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some
people. You are the one who is grieving, as such, you have certain “rights” no
one should try to take away from you.

The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how
others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to
others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from
hurtful ones.

1.You have the right to experience your own unique grief.

No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn
to others for help, don’t allow them to tell you what you should or should
not be feeling.

2.You have the right to talk about your grief.

Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow
you to talk as much as want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at
times you don’t feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.

3.You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.

Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the
emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell
you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don’t take these judgmental
responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings
without condition.

4.You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.

Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued.
Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat
balanced meals. And don’t allow others to push you into doing things you
don’t feel ready to do.

5.You have the right to experience “griefbursts”.

Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you.
This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who
understands and will let you talk it out.

6.You have the right to make use of ritual.

The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone
loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More
importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the
funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary,
don’t listen.

7.You have the right to embrace your spirituality.

If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you.
Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your
religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone who won’t be
critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.

8.You have the right to search for meaning.

You may find yourself asking, “Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why
now? Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And
watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you.
Comments like, “It was God’s will” or “Think of what you still have to be
thankful for” are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.

9.You have the right to treasure your memories.

Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone
loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find
others with whom you can share them.

10.You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.

Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a
process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and
avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither
you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone
loved changes your life forever.

Hope Beyond Grief Facebook Group

Learn. Live. Hope. Grief.

Albert Einstein offers some compelling advice in this statement. It's so simply stated, yet so deep. Often in grief, we are thrown from shock, into denial, where we loiter in the land of Yesterday. It's a common process in grief, to live in the past, to rehash treasured memories over and over. It's part of the healing process and totally acceptable. Unfortunately, when living in memories, many of us forget to live for today. So much sometimes that we forget to eat or groom ourselves. We must remember to also live in today, even while visiting the memories of yesterday.

Hope for tomorrow seems like a distant dream for many who are grieving. Hope, however, is a necessity and must be cultivated and brought to mind. Hope is essential for healing. Many times, we have many questions with no answers and that's ok. The "why" becomes less important in time. However, we must never stop questioning what our mission is, how we can transcend the tragedy which has visited us and what we can do to heal and help others heal. These questions can lead to hope for a much brighter tomorrow.

Lord, help us to learn, live and hope in the midst of loss and sorrow. Heal us and give us strength for each day. So be it.