Forgiving the Unforgivable

“Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.”

~ Corrie Ten Boom

Many times on the road to spiritual healing, we come across a dilemma that puts an obstacle of sizable proportion in our path of progress.  Forgiveness.  More specifically, forgiving the unforgivable act or person who has wounded you to the core of your being.  This person might be from your childhood or more recent.  It might be a relative you've known your whole life or a trusted spiritual mentor.  Perhaps this person is still in your life reeking havoc and discord.  It's become a hindrance to your spiritual growth and healing. The very thought of forgiving them makes you physically ill.  Why would you let this monster off the hook?  The answer is, for you and for your healing. 

As Christians, we've always been taught to forgive.  It's a common theme throughout scripture. Jesus forgave all of mankind and the thief on the cross and so on.  Forgiveness.  Sounds fairly straight forward and simple.  Actually, a lot of people find this one of the trickiest concepts in the bible to put into action.  How do you forgive someone who has wounded you so deeply?  How do you forgive the words or deeds that destroyed a vital part of you or perhaps even destroyed your life? 

As the quote at the top of the page suggests, forgiveness doesn't always start with a feeling in the heart.  It could take quite a bit of time to come to the place of forgiveness, perhaps even your entire lifetime.  It may be after a long season of grieving your abuse.  Many times it starts with a decision to forgive the abuser/abuses.  You may have to make the same choice to forgive over and over as it is not always achieved on the first try.  Sometimes it helps to remember Jesus' words on the cross, as He died, when he called out to God, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do".  Concerning His crucifixion, Jesus knew that those putting Him to death did not even know what they were doing. 

Of course some abusers know exactly what they are doing and they do it with glee.  What then? Well, it's still in our best interest to forgive if we can.  Some of these gleeful abusers are completely sane, but a great many others are profoundly emotionally disturbed. There are very few people in their right mind who would inflict harm on another person for sport. 



Sometimes it's helpful to remember that your abuser may have a diagnosed or undiagnosed mental affliction which causes them to victimize others. Many people abuse others because they too were victims of abuse and they never pursued healing, so they carried on the cycle of hurting others as they were hurt.  Does a mental affliction let them off the hook or justify their bad behavior?  No, it doesn't.  Nor does it minimize what happened to you in any way.

The best possible thing to do however (not for them, but for you), is to try to forgive them, and then cut ties.  It is not healthy to stay in an abusive situation with a person who can't control their abusive behavior.  Often fundamentalist religious teachings will encourage a person to be/stay reconciled to an abuser out of Christian obligation, but this is just not doable or healthy in many situations. It is totally acceptable to cut ties if necessary. Sometimes it's just not a possibility to cut all ties. In this case, do what you can to distance yourself from the person/situation emotionally.  Many times, traditional talk therapy with a certified counselor is helpful in setting boundaries and gaining healthy perspective when you can't leave the situation completely, it is also very helpful and healing for those who have gotten out of the abusive situation.  

Of course, understanding that you can heal your wounds is also an important thing. This requires however, a big shift in thinking for a lot of people. We are taught that only God can heal us, but we are meant to be active participants in our healing. 

Over the past few years I've discovered that healing can also take place without forgiving an abuser. That is something I will have to write about further down the road. It is a christian virtue to try to forgive, but is it necessary to forgive in order to heal emotionally? 

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