Thursday, December 27, 2012
Monday, November 5, 2012
Oh,You're Grieving? Shut Up Already!
There are many changes going on these days within the Christian faith (Thank God, it's about time), major reforms taking place on nearly every topic under the sun. However, there is one area that's rarely addressed, the much needed open dialogue on the topic of grief and what the Christian's responsibility is to the grief community. Grievers are a sector of society that never go away, they are with us perpetually and sometimes they are us, or our friends and family members.
If you've ever been in a church or even just to a funeral, you may have heard a scripture mentioned concerning grief, taken out of 1 Thessalonians in the bible;
This one verse is used to negate the entire grief process in many cases. Well meaning pastors and Christian friends often advise you to not indulge in tears and sadness (as if you could just make that choice). "Rejoice in your sufferings! The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, Blessed be the Name of the Lord!" Unfortunately, many grievers try to take this advice and attempt to halt the grieving process. They endeavor to dry up the tears and move on as fast as they can. They suffer in silence, crying in their private time, feeling like less of a Christian for not being able to "get over it" in a timely manner. Not allowing grief to run it's course is emotionally damaging and can cause emotional and spiritual problems over time.
As a society, in the last century, grief has steadily become a taboo subject. With the advent of modern life saving medicine and emergency trauma practice, illness and trauma related death have become less common than ever before in history and as a result, we have devised ways to downplay death. One of the results of this discomfort with the death process is the expectation on mourners to hold it together. At visitations and funerals (or as we like to call them these days, Life Celebrations), the grieving is commended for "holding up so well." The griever is often told that their loss was "God's plan" and that "God keeps track of all their tears". These statements only instill an anger at God in many people. The language used towards grievers must change! What grievers accept as gospel truth concerning grief too must change!
What are our responsibilities as Christians towards those in grief? The bible is clear in many areas that grief is a human affliction, one that visits every one of us sooner or later. God is very concerned with the mourning and grieving among us. This human experience is mentioned throughout the scripture. Jesus mentioned it in his Sermon on the Mount; “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted," and it's mentioned again that we should look out for widows and comfort them in their afflictions over in the book of James.
It seems that there is a bit of a mandate in the bible which sets a standard for
believers to follow concerning the grieving. This is a widely neglected but deeply important area of Christian behavior. The good news is, it's never too late to change and that starts with education. Even if you read one simple article on the topic, it will make a difference. Please check out the link below for some very good articles on this very important subject.
If you've ever been in a church or even just to a funeral, you may have heard a scripture mentioned concerning grief, taken out of 1 Thessalonians in the bible;
4:13 But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus.Now that doesn't sound bad, right? We have hope if we are Christians! Yay! However, as anyone who has experienced profound grief knows, even if you have that particular hope, there is incredible and often times, debilitating sorrow and suffering that accompanies the loss of a spouse or partner, child, parent, friend, etc. Over the years, Christians have used this scripture to support our society's discomfort with the grief process. We seem to have gotten hung up on the "lest you sorrow" part of the verse. I have personally heard Pastors use it to comfort grievers who are hysterical, as a way to get them under control. "Now now, Sister Hysterical, we don't grieve like those without hope!"
This one verse is used to negate the entire grief process in many cases. Well meaning pastors and Christian friends often advise you to not indulge in tears and sadness (as if you could just make that choice). "Rejoice in your sufferings! The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, Blessed be the Name of the Lord!" Unfortunately, many grievers try to take this advice and attempt to halt the grieving process. They endeavor to dry up the tears and move on as fast as they can. They suffer in silence, crying in their private time, feeling like less of a Christian for not being able to "get over it" in a timely manner. Not allowing grief to run it's course is emotionally damaging and can cause emotional and spiritual problems over time.
As a society, in the last century, grief has steadily become a taboo subject. With the advent of modern life saving medicine and emergency trauma practice, illness and trauma related death have become less common than ever before in history and as a result, we have devised ways to downplay death. One of the results of this discomfort with the death process is the expectation on mourners to hold it together. At visitations and funerals (or as we like to call them these days, Life Celebrations), the grieving is commended for "holding up so well." The griever is often told that their loss was "God's plan" and that "God keeps track of all their tears". These statements only instill an anger at God in many people. The language used towards grievers must change! What grievers accept as gospel truth concerning grief too must change!
What are our responsibilities as Christians towards those in grief? The bible is clear in many areas that grief is a human affliction, one that visits every one of us sooner or later. God is very concerned with the mourning and grieving among us. This human experience is mentioned throughout the scripture. Jesus mentioned it in his Sermon on the Mount; “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted," and it's mentioned again that we should look out for widows and comfort them in their afflictions over in the book of James.
It seems that there is a bit of a mandate in the bible which sets a standard for
believers to follow concerning the grieving. This is a widely neglected but deeply important area of Christian behavior. The good news is, it's never too late to change and that starts with education. Even if you read one simple article on the topic, it will make a difference. Please check out the link below for some very good articles on this very important subject.
Lord Christ, help us to be sensitive to those who are grieving amongst us. Give us your heart for those who mourn. So be it.
Friday, November 2, 2012
The Mourner's Code
The Mourner's Code
As found in Dr.Alan D. Wolfelt's book, "Healing Your Grieving Heart."
Though you should reach out to others as you journey through grief, you should
not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some
people. You are the one who is grieving, as such, you have certain “rights” no
one should try to take away from you.
The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how
others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to
others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from
hurtful ones.
1.You have the right to experience your own unique grief.
No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn
to others for help, don’t allow them to tell you what you should or should
not be feeling.
2.You have the right to talk about your grief.
Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow
you to talk as much as want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at
times you don’t feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.
3.You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.
Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the
emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell
you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don’t take these judgmental
responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings
without condition.
4.You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.
Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued.
Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat
balanced meals. And don’t allow others to push you into doing things you
don’t feel ready to do.
5.You have the right to experience “griefbursts”.
Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you.
This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who
understands and will let you talk it out.
6.You have the right to make use of ritual.
The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone
loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More
importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the
funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary,
don’t listen.
7.You have the right to embrace your spirituality.
If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you.
Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your
religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone who won’t be
critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.
8.You have the right to search for meaning.
You may find yourself asking, “Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why
now? Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And
watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you.
Comments like, “It was God’s will” or “Think of what you still have to be
thankful for” are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.
9.You have the right to treasure your memories.
Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone
loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find
others with whom you can share them.
10.You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.
Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a
process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and
avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither
you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone
loved changes your life forever.
As found in Dr.Alan D. Wolfelt's book, "Healing Your Grieving Heart."
Though you should reach out to others as you journey through grief, you should
not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some
people. You are the one who is grieving, as such, you have certain “rights” no
one should try to take away from you.
The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how
others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to
others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from
hurtful ones.
1.You have the right to experience your own unique grief.
No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn
to others for help, don’t allow them to tell you what you should or should
not be feeling.
2.You have the right to talk about your grief.
Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow
you to talk as much as want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at
times you don’t feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.
3.You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.
Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the
emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell
you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don’t take these judgmental
responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings
without condition.
4.You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.
Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued.
Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat
balanced meals. And don’t allow others to push you into doing things you
don’t feel ready to do.
5.You have the right to experience “griefbursts”.
Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you.
This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who
understands and will let you talk it out.
6.You have the right to make use of ritual.
The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone
loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More
importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the
funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary,
don’t listen.
7.You have the right to embrace your spirituality.
If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you.
Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your
religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone who won’t be
critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.
8.You have the right to search for meaning.
You may find yourself asking, “Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why
now? Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And
watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you.
Comments like, “It was God’s will” or “Think of what you still have to be
thankful for” are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.
9.You have the right to treasure your memories.
Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone
loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find
others with whom you can share them.
10.You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.
Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a
process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and
avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither
you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone
loved changes your life forever.
Learn. Live. Hope. Grief.
Albert Einstein offers some compelling advice in this statement. It's so simply stated, yet so deep. Often in grief, we are thrown from shock, into denial, where we loiter in the land of Yesterday. It's a common process in grief, to live in the past, to rehash treasured memories over and over. It's part of the healing process and totally acceptable. Unfortunately, when living in memories, many of us forget to live for today. So much sometimes that we forget to eat or groom ourselves. We must remember to also live in today, even while visiting the memories of yesterday.
Hope for tomorrow seems like a distant dream for many who are grieving. Hope, however, is a necessity and must be cultivated and brought to mind. Hope is essential for healing. Many times, we have many questions with no answers and that's ok. The "why" becomes less important in time. However, we must never stop questioning what our mission is, how we can transcend the tragedy which has visited us and what we can do to heal and help others heal. These questions can lead to hope for a much brighter tomorrow.
Lord, help us to learn, live and hope in the midst of loss and sorrow. Heal us and give us strength for each day. So be it.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
A Christian Social Justice Meditation
Matthew 7:12 “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets. ~Jesus
Psalm 82:3 "Give justice to the weak and the fatherless; maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute."
Psalm 82:3 "Give justice to the weak and the fatherless; maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute."
Lord Christ, Help us to understand your heart for the poor, afflicted and the needy amongst us. Help us to act in Your ways of Love towards our fellow man. So be it.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Charitable Delusion
With the election coming up next month, those of us active on social media have been in the trenches of one very hostile and divisive election seasons.With the rise of the Christian Left online and many Progressive Christian organizations becoming more and more established, the Christian vote has never been more divided. One thing that I have personally witnessed (to my utter disbelief and disgust) is Conservative Christians turning against the poor of our country. I have heard over and over that "they aren't really poor, they are just lazy," or equally judgemental verbal garbage (aka false witness bearing).
People I've watched and interacted with are up in arms over social programs that they feel are designed specifically to enable these "lazy, drug-using welfare queens and kings." Many of these good Christians declare that they already give enough, that the poor need to get up and work and support themselves and they even shamefully use Christ's words to his disciples, that "the poor will always be among us," against supporting social programs that would help the poor get on their feet, provide education opportunities and the chance at a better future. These people have literally grown to despise and slander the very people that Jesus told us to care for. They can't seem to see that social justice is necessary, instead they believe that charity and love alone will pull these people miraculously out of poverty, when statistics show that this is just not true.
People I've watched and interacted with are up in arms over social programs that they feel are designed specifically to enable these "lazy, drug-using welfare queens and kings." Many of these good Christians declare that they already give enough, that the poor need to get up and work and support themselves and they even shamefully use Christ's words to his disciples, that "the poor will always be among us," against supporting social programs that would help the poor get on their feet, provide education opportunities and the chance at a better future. These people have literally grown to despise and slander the very people that Jesus told us to care for. They can't seem to see that social justice is necessary, instead they believe that charity and love alone will pull these people miraculously out of poverty, when statistics show that this is just not true.
Lord Christ, show us your heart of compassion for the poor and needy in this country. Lord help us to realize the need for social justice. Help us to be your hands and feet to the "least of these." So be it.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Wes, Three Year Observations
(This was written on the 3rd Year mark of my beloved Wes's passing.)
Three years? Seriously, how can it be three years? I have healed much, I have gone on to live and love again and feel joy even. But how has it been three years? The one person that I couldn't go a day without has been gone three years. The funny thing about time is that in grief it really has no meaning. It could be three days or three years. Time takes on a surreal quality. It passes fast, it passes slow, sometimes it just stops. Then you look around and a few years have passed, I have grown older with more wrinkles and Wes looks back at me from the flat framed glass, eternally 39 and smiling back at me like it was just yesterday when I pointed the camera at him and said, "smile."
I have found that though his physical form is gone from my grasp, he is still very much present. Now that my heart has recovered from this devastating loss, I can sense him still, as alive as ever. I do not believe a person is every really lost to us, they change forms, they live on, our memories and how their presence changed us keeps them ever near.
This is some of what I have learned as of today, this the third anniversary of the most devastating loss of my life.
Life goes on in spite of your pain.
Life has beauty, even in loss.
My loved one will always be with me.
Death cannot divide forever.
Time passes whether we want it to or not.
The kindness of strangers, family and friends is Divine Presence in a tangible form during grief.
Sometimes it just helps to be heard.
The Grief Journey is painful, but necessary.
One should not travel through grief alone.
Writing helps more than you can tell at the time.
Crying is healing and strengthening, not a weakness.
Grief is not to be feared, but walked through.
Only people who are grieving or have suffered profound loss can companion you on the journey.
There is life and hope after loss.
More Grief Pages and Resources
Hope Beyond Grief Private Group
This is the anniversary of the day that my heart broke into a million, tiny pieces when I heard the worst news of my life. Thank God for the shock mechanism of early grief. I remember the staggering pain, but it was immediately followed up with a horrified shock which numbed me down. The following 24 hours were the worst of my life. I spoke with his friends and family, one by one I notified those who loved him as I walked like a zombie through that horrific day. The days to follow would be much the same. Somehow, by the grace of God, I managed to muddle through.
Three years? Seriously, how can it be three years? I have healed much, I have gone on to live and love again and feel joy even. But how has it been three years? The one person that I couldn't go a day without has been gone three years. The funny thing about time is that in grief it really has no meaning. It could be three days or three years. Time takes on a surreal quality. It passes fast, it passes slow, sometimes it just stops. Then you look around and a few years have passed, I have grown older with more wrinkles and Wes looks back at me from the flat framed glass, eternally 39 and smiling back at me like it was just yesterday when I pointed the camera at him and said, "smile."
This is some of what I have learned as of today, this the third anniversary of the most devastating loss of my life.
Life goes on in spite of your pain.
Life has beauty, even in loss.
My loved one will always be with me.
Death cannot divide forever.
Time passes whether we want it to or not.
The kindness of strangers, family and friends is Divine Presence in a tangible form during grief.
Sometimes it just helps to be heard.
The Grief Journey is painful, but necessary.
One should not travel through grief alone.
Writing helps more than you can tell at the time.
Crying is healing and strengthening, not a weakness.
Grief is not to be feared, but walked through.
Only people who are grieving or have suffered profound loss can companion you on the journey.
There is life and hope after loss.
More Grief Pages and Resources
Hope Beyond Grief Private Group
A Social Justice Meditation
So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets. ~Jesus
Pretty simple, we must begin to care for our fellow man, not just in word, but in deed.
Lord Christ, give us Your heart of compassion for others, especially those in need of help. So be it.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Remembering Wes at 3 Years
Wes, my dearly loved partner, died 3 years ago on October 11th, 2009 at the age of 39. He lived a life of many heartbreaks and many triumphs. When he passed away, I found that his many friends all referred to him as their "best friend." Oddly, this did not surprise me. He made loyalty, honesty and going the extra mile the top priority in his life. He was a friend who cared and made everyone he knew feel special. The world is better off because Wes walked among us. He is still dearly missed by the many people who's lives he touched. These are some photos and items from a life well spent.
One Year, a Poem I wrote for Wes in 2010
Grief Quotes
Grief Pages and Resources
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| Walt and Wes |
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| Wes in 8th grade |
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| Wes, the logger years |
Resting Place
Sunlight dances through the leaves, soft winds stir in the singing trees, lying in the warm grass, feel the sun upon your face.
Elven songs and endless nights, sweet wine and soft relaxing light, time will never touch you here in this enchanted place.
I've traveled now for many miles, it feel's good to see the smiles of friends that never left your mind when you were far away.
From the golden light of coming dawn, til the twlight when the sun is gone. We treasure every season and every passing day.
You feel something is calling you, your wanting to return, to where the misty mountains rise and friendly fires burn.
A place you can escape the world where the dark light cannot go, peace of mind and sanctuary by the waterfalls flow.
You feel the coming of the new day, dark gives way to light a new way.
Stop here for a while, until the world calls you away. Yet you know, I’ve had the feelling, standing with my senses reeling,
this is the place to grow old until I reach my final day.
Wes Duncanson
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| Young Navy Guy |
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| Navy SeaBee |
 |
| a quote by Wes :) |
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| MDOT |
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| Family |
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| Wes and I, Sept 2009 |
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| Last photo I took of Wes. |
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| MDOT Newsletter Tribute |
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| MDOT Special Crews Monument Site for Wes |
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| Monument to Wes made by his friends at MDOT |
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Jesus, Friend of Sinners
Lord Christ, help us to show the world Your extravagant love and mercy. So be it.
One Year, a Poem
One Year, A Poem for Wes
By Jill Jacobs Oct 11, 2010
I can't believe one year has passed
I miss your smile, I miss your laugh
I miss the way you said my name
and held my hand out in the rain
I miss the way you held me tight
and made all wrongs seem just right
I miss each single word you spoke
the way you laughed at my every joke
I miss your cookies, your eggs and steaks
and talking to you on my lunch breaks
I miss your stories you loved to tell
I loved to hear them & recall them well
I miss your every "I love you"
and "goodnite sweetie", I miss that too
I miss you every day my dear
I cannot believe it's been one year.
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| Wes 2009 |
Saturday, September 29, 2012
The God of Painful Things
Many times as Christians we've stifled our self awareness and in pursuit of what we think is Godliness. We have been told that God heals our hearts and wounds if we just study the bible enough, or if we just pray enough, or go to church enough, or do more work in the church's ministry, or if we tithe correctly. We are encouraged to ignore our inner emotional voice which is crying out for healing. We are told to stand in faith for healing, we are occasionally counseled by a pastor or layperson, but often times, Christians are left unhealed emotionally.
It's not that God cannot heal a person, He certainly does, but some emotional scars are so deep that the individual never fully opens up that part of themselves for healing. In order to receive healing, we have to be aware of what needs healing and walk through the process of acknowledging the wound, potentially grieving the event and feeling the pain, then often times we have to forgive ourselves, or others. There is no magic wand to wave to just simply "give it to God" or let it go. It's the responsibility of every individual to choose healing. The healing process is a journey of faith. Sometimes we don't believe healing is within reach because we've been hurt for so long, sometimes we may even blame God for that hurt.
Many people find that talk therapy with a licensed counselor one on one, or in a group setting is helpful in the process of healing. Alot of times, others can more objectively see things that we ourselves cannot see. This helps in the identification of areas that need healing. It is not a sign of weakness to seek counseling, nor does it mean you lack faith in God for Divine healing.
When the intent and desire of a believer is healing, and wholeness, God will be there and bring healing and faith through the process. God's intent is for us to be self aware, healed and whole so that we can help bring hope, joy and healing to others.
Lord Christ, help us to open ourselves to emotional healing. Help us to be self aware and willing to examine and work through the painful things. Divine Healer, give us faith for this journey. So be it.
Lord Christ, help us to open ourselves to emotional healing. Help us to be self aware and willing to examine and work through the painful things. Divine Healer, give us faith for this journey. So be it.
Forgiveness and the Complexities Thereof
A FB Discourse by Jill Jacobs and Jeremy Lape on the above quote by Corrie ten Boom
Jeremy: Squirming here.
Jill: Why are you squirming?
Jeremy: It's the Corrie Ten Boom quote. Her talking about forgiveness is like Einstein saying, "Physics is easy."
Jill: I get what you're saying, I guess I've read her works and know that context she was stating that in. She was discussing the actual decision to forgive someone before you actually felt the feelings. Alot of times that's where forgiveness starts...with the decision before the actual feeling.
Jeremy: I know, and few people have suffered more, forgiven more, than her.
Jill: I guess out of context it wouldn't make good sense, like the "let go and let God" advice to survivors of the horrific.
Jeremy: Horrific suffering. But she is a Gold Medal Olympic forgiver. No, it is exactly the context that her statement amplifies her words!
Jill: See, I view forgiveness as process. I was actually working on a blog about that a bit ago that's not up yet. A decision, the grief, the examination of the pain, the asking God to help and healing, it's much like the grief process
Jeremy: She raises the bar so high on forgiving those who harm us that the best we can do is limbo under it and pretend it's not a hurdle to clear.....yes, but she is like Mother Theresa loving the lepers. YOU WANNA DO THAT???
Jill: I see it as something to aspire to though, not something to be challenged or discouraged by. I would love to have the love of Mother Theresa, she's a great hero of the faith....and no I don't want to work with lepers. So do you not think that people should be encouraged to decide to forgive until they feel the forgiveness first?
Jeremy: I know. You're right. In my ego-centric universe, I see everything as friend or foe. I am not worthy to carry Corrie Ten Boom's diary, or Mother Theresa's flying nun hat.
Jill: I have experienced forgiveness both ways, the decision first, feeling later and the other way around. Both work, and then there's the instances of forgiveness when you have to do it over and over and over again for the same thing.
Jeremy: Academically, I agree. Experimentally, it is not so cut and dried.
Jill: I agree
Jeremy: See, it's all about willingness. Or intention.
Jill: But everyone eventually has to come to the place where they choose to forgive something/someone, and I see the comment as, "you can do this independent of your feelings to kinda kick off the whole process." Imagine if we all sat around waiting for the feeling of forgiveness to hit us, sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn't. Then there's the complex issue of forgiving of oneself, ugh...that's a biggie
Jeremy: Yes, that is true. Forgiveness is a choice first, a feeling second. I know that. But right now, I don't choose to forgive certain fundamentalist leaders who are in trouble. Let alone have any feelings of sympathy or empathy for them. Effing lepers.
Jill: I agree, sometimes forgiveness isn't a viable option, as perpetrators need to see justice and be held accountable.
Forgiveness is a complex matter.
Lord Christ help us to discern when and how to forgive. So be it.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Making God Make Amends
A Commentary on Christian Spiritual Abuse
By Jeremy Lape
A thought, a theme, a key learning out of all this:
If you have been victimized, abused, raped--either physically, emotionally, or spiritual by a person in Christian leadership, (e.g., "in His stead",) are you aware of how that person's abusive actions has been metaphysically transferred onto God Himself? Are you in touch with the possibility that your spirit is so wounded that you feel like it was God who abused you, and that is why your relationship with Him has so profoundly been affected?
Would that account for your unending sorrow, and inability to move on, past the grief, the feelings of betrayal, the endless loneliness, because deep inside you, you feel as if God is guilty of what happened to you?
Remember, folks, these are FEELINGS. THEY ARE NOT RIGHT OR WRONG. They are not logical, nor are they theological. I don't want a single scripture verse posted in defense of God. In fact, I don't want anybody to defend God at all. I only want a space here for people to consider whether or not they have blamed God for what his man, or woman, did to them, and how blurred the lines are; how fear of laying the blame on God might have kept them stuck.
I know I did this, and I know how stuck I became, how enraged I was for God allowing such horrible things to be done, in His name, on His watch.
I also know that God is big enough to handle our complaints, our accusations, our attacks... and that if He is the God of Love He says He is, then nothing that we can do will ever separate us from that Love.
He's not a man with an overblown ego, you know? He's not One who shirks responsibility for Creation. He wants to hear your complaint, your accusations, your sorrow, and He wants to make amends with you.
By Jeremy Lape
A thought, a theme, a key learning out of all this:
If you have been victimized, abused, raped--either physically, emotionally, or spiritual by a person in Christian leadership, (e.g., "in His stead",) are you aware of how that person's abusive actions has been metaphysically transferred onto God Himself? Are you in touch with the possibility that your spirit is so wounded that you feel like it was God who abused you, and that is why your relationship with Him has so profoundly been affected?
Would that account for your unending sorrow, and inability to move on, past the grief, the feelings of betrayal, the endless loneliness, because deep inside you, you feel as if God is guilty of what happened to you?
Remember, folks, these are FEELINGS. THEY ARE NOT RIGHT OR WRONG. They are not logical, nor are they theological. I don't want a single scripture verse posted in defense of God. In fact, I don't want anybody to defend God at all. I only want a space here for people to consider whether or not they have blamed God for what his man, or woman, did to them, and how blurred the lines are; how fear of laying the blame on God might have kept them stuck.
I know I did this, and I know how stuck I became, how enraged I was for God allowing such horrible things to be done, in His name, on His watch.
I also know that God is big enough to handle our complaints, our accusations, our attacks... and that if He is the God of Love He says He is, then nothing that we can do will ever separate us from that Love.
He's not a man with an overblown ego, you know? He's not One who shirks responsibility for Creation. He wants to hear your complaint, your accusations, your sorrow, and He wants to make amends with you.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
A Month
A Month~ A Tribute to John Eagle
By Jill Jacobs July 2002
John was one of my dearest friends. He was killed in an motorcycle accident. He was 33 and left behind 2 daughters, grieving parents, one brother and and two beautiful doggies. He was one the kindest humans I had ever known.)
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| John and I, 2001 |
It's now been a month since John went away,
I think of his smile each passing day.
The pain in my heart may be trying to heal
Time heals all wounds, but that's not how I feel
A chunk of my heart was ripped out the day
A sensless accident took John away
A numb empty void has darkened my soul
In my innermost being is a huge empty hole
Day after day has crept slowly by,
Such ache in my heart as I looked at the sky.
Prayer after prayer said from my heart
Accepting this tragedy I could not even start.
Long stretches of time, angry questions to God,
Tears soaking pillows, heart feels so odd.
Never knew a month could be so long
I search in my heart, to find a new song.
By his helping hands, the seeds that were sown,
Unknownst to John, indeed now have grown
I do not regret the pain I feel
It was worth every tear to love someone so real.
My dear friend's life was not lived in vain
He imparted such love, evidenced by our pain
The love John shared keeps on giving
Deep in our hearts John is still living.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
12 Step Fundamentalism Recovery
An adaptation of the 12 Steps of AA, by Jillian Who. This version is specifically for those individuals leaving Fundamentalist Christianity.
1.We admitted we had questions about our belief system—that our thoughts and rational thinking didn't really line up with what we'd been taught about God.
2.Came to believe that God may or may not exist as we'd been taught to believe in our legalistic/fundamentalist churches and that people who were abusive to us did not represent God.
3. Made a decision to seek the truth at all cost, even though it made friends and family freak out, worry and sometimes tell us we were going to hell.
4. Made a searching and fearless critique of our belief system. Then did another searching inventory of ourselves. Started the process of healing from wounds that were identified in the inventory.
5. Admitted to ourselves, and to another human being that we have believed wrongly and hurt ourselves and others with our fundamentalist beliefs.
6. Were entirely ready to have an authentic revelation of the goodness of God and to act on that new understanding.
7. Sought through prayer, meditation and showing love to others to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
8. Humbly asked God to remove all hate, fear, bigotry and fundamentalist/legalistic doctrines and to aid us in the healing process.
9. Made a list of all persons we had harmed (including ourselves), and became willing to make amends to them all and commit to seek further healing for ourselves, including professional counseling if necessary.
10. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others or ourselves.
11.Continued to take personal inventory of ourselves and our evolving belief system and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we endeavor to carry this message to enslaved fundamentalists, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
© 12 Steps of Fundamentalism Recovery by Jillian Who 2012
1.We admitted we had questions about our belief system—that our thoughts and rational thinking didn't really line up with what we'd been taught about God.
2.Came to believe that God may or may not exist as we'd been taught to believe in our legalistic/fundamentalist churches and that people who were abusive to us did not represent God.
3. Made a decision to seek the truth at all cost, even though it made friends and family freak out, worry and sometimes tell us we were going to hell.
4. Made a searching and fearless critique of our belief system. Then did another searching inventory of ourselves. Started the process of healing from wounds that were identified in the inventory.
5. Admitted to ourselves, and to another human being that we have believed wrongly and hurt ourselves and others with our fundamentalist beliefs.
6. Were entirely ready to have an authentic revelation of the goodness of God and to act on that new understanding.
7. Sought through prayer, meditation and showing love to others to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
8. Humbly asked God to remove all hate, fear, bigotry and fundamentalist/legalistic doctrines and to aid us in the healing process.
9. Made a list of all persons we had harmed (including ourselves), and became willing to make amends to them all and commit to seek further healing for ourselves, including professional counseling if necessary.
10. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others or ourselves.
11.Continued to take personal inventory of ourselves and our evolving belief system and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we endeavor to carry this message to enslaved fundamentalists, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
© 12 Steps of Fundamentalism Recovery by Jillian Who 2012
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
A Fundamentally Broken System
From our Voices of Change Page. Our first entry by Guest Contributer Jeremy Lape
"Personally, I feel like Fundamentalism is a broken system that needs to be retired. The brand is irreparably damaged and sullied, and any church that wants to identify with a movement that systematically denigrates women and forces them to stay in archaic roles while denying them equal and sole rights over their bodies, suppresses the LBGT communities, (Lesbian, Bi-sexual, Gay and Transgender peoples) not to mention actively seeks to influence American communities by unlawfully influencing followers to align with their narrow choices of political candidates, while brainwashing children in isolated schools with Bronze Age doctrines about the physical and spiritual worlds, needs to jettison their archaic and damaging attitudes towards healthy progress and the expansion of the human experience.
~Jeremy Lape~
(Concerning the IFB International Fundamentalist Baptist denomination, but quite applicable to any fundamentalist branch of the Body of Christ.)
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Forgiving the Unforgivable
“Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.”
~ Corrie Ten Boom
Many times on the road to spiritual healing, we come across a dilemma that puts an obstacle of sizable proportion in our path of progress. Forgiveness. More specifically, forgiving the unforgivable act or person who has wounded you to the core of your being. This person might be from your childhood or more recent. It might be a relative you've known your whole life or a trusted spiritual mentor. Perhaps this person is still in your life reeking havoc and discord. It's become a hindrance to your spiritual growth and healing. The very thought of forgiving them makes you physically ill. Why would you let this monster off the hook? The answer is, for you and for your healing.
As Christians, we've always been taught to forgive. It's a common theme throughout scripture. Jesus forgave all of mankind and the thief on the cross and so on. Forgiveness. Sounds fairly straight forward and simple. Actually, a lot of people find this one of the trickiest concepts in the bible to put into action. How do you forgive someone who has wounded you so deeply? How do you forgive the words or deeds that destroyed a vital part of you or perhaps even destroyed your life?
As the quote at the top of the page suggests, forgiveness doesn't always start with a feeling in the heart. It could take quite a bit of time to come to the place of forgiveness, perhaps even your entire lifetime. It may be after a long season of grieving your abuse. Many times it starts with a decision to forgive the abuser/abuses. You may have to make the same choice to forgive over and over as it is not always achieved on the first try. Sometimes it helps to remember Jesus' words on the cross, as He died, when he called out to God, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do". Concerning His crucifixion, Jesus knew that those putting Him to death did not even know what they were doing.
Of course some abusers know exactly what they are doing and they do it with glee. What then? Well, it's still in our best interest to forgive if we can. Some of these gleeful abusers are completely sane, but a great many others are profoundly emotionally disturbed. There are very few people in their right mind who would inflict harm on another person for sport.
Sometimes it's helpful to remember that your abuser may have a diagnosed or undiagnosed mental affliction which causes them to victimize others. Many people abuse others because they too were victims of abuse and they never pursued healing, so they carried on the cycle of hurting others as they were hurt. Does a mental affliction let them off the hook or justify their bad behavior? No, it doesn't. Nor does it minimize what happened to you in any way.
The best possible thing to do however (not for them, but for you), is to try to forgive them, and then cut ties. It is not healthy to stay in an abusive situation with a person who can't control their abusive behavior. Often fundamentalist religious teachings will encourage a person to be/stay reconciled to an abuser out of Christian obligation, but this is just not doable or healthy in many situations. It is totally acceptable to cut ties if necessary. Sometimes it's just not a possibility to cut all ties. In this case, do what you can to distance yourself from the person/situation emotionally. Many times, traditional talk therapy with a certified counselor is helpful in setting boundaries and gaining healthy perspective when you can't leave the situation completely, it is also very helpful and healing for those who have gotten out of the abusive situation.
Of course, understanding that you can heal your wounds is also an important thing. This requires however, a big shift in thinking for a lot of people. We are taught that only God can heal us, but we are meant to be active participants in our healing.
Over the past few years I've discovered that healing can also take place without forgiving an abuser. That is something I will have to write about further down the road. It is a christian virtue to try to forgive, but is it necessary to forgive in order to heal emotionally?
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Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Thoughts and Remembrances on 9-11
I am remembering the lives lost in the 9/11 tragedy today and the lives that have been lost since in the wars that followed.
The beloved Americans lost on that fateful day were just the beginning of a senseless tragedy that would continue on for over a decade.
According to http://costsofwar.org/ & http://news.brown.edu/pressreleases/2011/06/warcosts
•Over 6,000 US troops have died, as have 2,300 Pentagon contractors
•There have been at least 126,000 Iraqi civilians killed, by conservative estimate, since the invasion.
•Over 550,000 disability claims have been registered with the VA as of fall 2010
•By conservative estimate, 12,500 Afghan civilians have been killed
The death and disabling physical, mental and emotional injury continues, even as our current administration fights to shut down the occupations. I am grateful to President Obama for removing the threat of Osama Bin Laden and for his commitment to diplomacy instead of war.
The misuse of Christian trust has become a troubling issue since 9-11. Many Christian pastors gladly hopped on board to scare up the evangelical voting block's support for continued war efforts in the name of national security. However, Christian pastors who are pro-war are preaching a false gospel. The Christ in the bible was in no way in favor of war, or establishing His Kingdom on earth. He rejected the idea during His forty day wilderness fast when Satan offered Him the kingdoms of the world and again when He was asked to rise up against the Romans. His refusal to fight with military force was part of the reason Jesus Barabbas was chosen to be freed instead of the pacifist Christ. The people wanted an uprising and war, Jesus wanted His kingdom to be in the hearts of His followers. This has not changed. His kingdom is within us and also in the heavenly realms.
Unfortunately people are still deceived into believing that war is a Christian tradition. The post 9-11 fear-mongering and misinformation has promoted hate and bigotry towards peaceful Muslim and Hindus worldwide. Well meaning Christians have fallen prey to this fear and had their hearts and minds corrupted. My heart also grieves for this tremendous tragedy.
Lord Jesus, be with those whose lives were forever changed by the tragedy of 9-11, heal their hearts and minds. Lord deliver your followers from the shackles of irrational fear. So be it.
On Losing Christian Fear
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
Albert Einstein
So much of who we've been as Christians is based in fear. Fear of God, fear of sin, fear of falling away, fear of falling into sin, fear of voting our salvation away, fear of facing God's judgement and being rejected in the final roll call, fear of people who are different than us, fear of being open and honest about who we really are, fear of people rejecting us, judging us and on and on. Fear has a way of permeating nearly every aspet of our faith. In many fundamentalist and other churches, fear is used as a tool to bring people to Christ. Hellfire and damnation preaching has commonly been used to scare new would-be converts into fearful submission. Unfortunately, this fire insurance brand of Christianity is all too common and those who come to God this way often remain fearful and scared of our loving Father. The bible is laced with the sentiment fear not and do not be afraid through old testament to the new. Yet we remain full of fear.
Jesus, Himself even commanded us to not be afraid. When he gave the two Greatest Commandments in Matthew 22 starting at verse 37 Jesus replied, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
He said love, not fear. Perfect love casts out fear. We are free to love God and love those around us without fear. Many would argue that the fear of God is the beginning of wisdom, but that usage of fear simply means utmost respect, not actually having to fear that God will burn you for eternity. If you are fearing God and fearing people, there is no room for love. Fear causes well meaning Christians to stand against the very people that we should be embracing and loving. This should not be so.
We are free as Christians to live without fear. It's a choice, it's up to us. God has given us permission to live in love, peace, joy, kindness and freedom from fearful imaginings. We do not have to worry about His or anyone else's rejection. We do not have to live in fear.
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.
Lord Jesus, help us to understand perfect love and how to implement it in our lives so that we may be made free from fear. So be it.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Loss and Spiritual Meltdown
A terrible and unimaginable thing has happened in your life. You've suffered a deep and wounding loss. Or maybe even a series of losses that seem to have come out of nowhere, devastating your life.
God didn't seem to have your back like your faith tells you He's supposed to. You've done everything correctly, you've prayed, you've read the word, you've tithed, you've stayed in constant fellowship, you've walked a tight and legalistic highwire, leaning on God for everything and suddenly you fall and there is no net below you. Church friends tell you not worry, "God has a plan," and this horrible circumstance is "His will" that you may or may not ever understand or have clarity on. Suddenly, your strong faith begins to shift. You begin to question God and everything that He's about. You find your belief system may not be as air-tight as you had once thought.
When a long held belief system starts to not make sense anymore, it can be a very confusing time. Often, a profound loss can shake your faith and when you find that your theology isn't comforting, it can become a time of compounded grief. The things you once believed do not seem to be true all in this devastating time. No matter how hard you try to make it all fit together, things just don't add up.
All of a sudden the world under your feet feels like shifting sand. What if God doesn't really have a plan for my life written down to the last detail, what if He does not micro-manage my life? What if the bible is not actually inerrant, what if there are errors and legit inconsistancies? What if the writers of the bible were not actually dictating the thoughts of God directly onto paper, but viewing God from their limited and ancient human perspective? What if the bible isn't God's Holy Word but just a spiritual history book, documenting the Hebrew Gods' ancient people and the life and resurrection of Jesus Christ. What if it's not actually living and authoritative? What if the scientific data is right and people really are born gay and it's not a sin? Your mind spins out of control with these persistant invading questions which threaten to wreck your now fragile faith. You pray and read the word in hopes of overthrowing these thoughts, but they persist.
You feel yourself sliding into an abyss of confusion, fear, depression as you begin to realize just how wrong you've had it all these years. You can feel just how many people you've wounded with your bad theology and how it's estranged people from the love of Jesus. You are having a life changing spiritual meltdown. Your understanding of God is changing, it's frightening, it's lonesome, it's distancing you from family and church friends. People are trying to reason with you and giving you advice, expressing their concern about your skepticism, expressing that you might be falling away.
Over time, you make progress in your journey through grief, you find that your search for clear answers to all of these questions becomes less important, but your search for an authentic understanding of God's character beomes the main focus. You feel desperate as you seek to see God and Jesus in a new light. You think that perhaps there is way to have faith without adhering to biblical inerrancy doctrine. Perhaps there is a way to understand God outside the context of fundamentalist theology and all of it's legalistic, enslaving doctrines.
You begin to experience peace and quiet calm. You slowly start feeling hope again. You run across people who have had similiar spiritual meltdowns and loss of faith and find out that they've survived it, many times with faith in God and Jesus reconstructed and new. Perhaps not all is lost after all. You're feeling hope that God may be real, that He may be loving and that you don't have to follow the fundamentalist crowd, spiritually, politically, theologically, socially or otherwise. You feel a shift to the authentic and basic principles of Chrisianity. Love, kindness, compassion, mercy, grace.
God didn't seem to have your back like your faith tells you He's supposed to. You've done everything correctly, you've prayed, you've read the word, you've tithed, you've stayed in constant fellowship, you've walked a tight and legalistic highwire, leaning on God for everything and suddenly you fall and there is no net below you. Church friends tell you not worry, "God has a plan," and this horrible circumstance is "His will" that you may or may not ever understand or have clarity on. Suddenly, your strong faith begins to shift. You begin to question God and everything that He's about. You find your belief system may not be as air-tight as you had once thought.
When a long held belief system starts to not make sense anymore, it can be a very confusing time. Often, a profound loss can shake your faith and when you find that your theology isn't comforting, it can become a time of compounded grief. The things you once believed do not seem to be true all in this devastating time. No matter how hard you try to make it all fit together, things just don't add up.
All of a sudden the world under your feet feels like shifting sand. What if God doesn't really have a plan for my life written down to the last detail, what if He does not micro-manage my life? What if the bible is not actually inerrant, what if there are errors and legit inconsistancies? What if the writers of the bible were not actually dictating the thoughts of God directly onto paper, but viewing God from their limited and ancient human perspective? What if the bible isn't God's Holy Word but just a spiritual history book, documenting the Hebrew Gods' ancient people and the life and resurrection of Jesus Christ. What if it's not actually living and authoritative? What if the scientific data is right and people really are born gay and it's not a sin? Your mind spins out of control with these persistant invading questions which threaten to wreck your now fragile faith. You pray and read the word in hopes of overthrowing these thoughts, but they persist.
You feel yourself sliding into an abyss of confusion, fear, depression as you begin to realize just how wrong you've had it all these years. You can feel just how many people you've wounded with your bad theology and how it's estranged people from the love of Jesus. You are having a life changing spiritual meltdown. Your understanding of God is changing, it's frightening, it's lonesome, it's distancing you from family and church friends. People are trying to reason with you and giving you advice, expressing their concern about your skepticism, expressing that you might be falling away.
Over time, you make progress in your journey through grief, you find that your search for clear answers to all of these questions becomes less important, but your search for an authentic understanding of God's character beomes the main focus. You feel desperate as you seek to see God and Jesus in a new light. You think that perhaps there is way to have faith without adhering to biblical inerrancy doctrine. Perhaps there is a way to understand God outside the context of fundamentalist theology and all of it's legalistic, enslaving doctrines.
You begin to experience peace and quiet calm. You slowly start feeling hope again. You run across people who have had similiar spiritual meltdowns and loss of faith and find out that they've survived it, many times with faith in God and Jesus reconstructed and new. Perhaps not all is lost after all. You're feeling hope that God may be real, that He may be loving and that you don't have to follow the fundamentalist crowd, spiritually, politically, theologically, socially or otherwise. You feel a shift to the authentic and basic principles of Chrisianity. Love, kindness, compassion, mercy, grace.
Lord Jesus help me to search and find You in the midst of my trials and shaky faith. Let me know Your authentic message and be comforted by Your truth. So be it.
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